I was born into my faith.
I am the youngest daughter of a pastor, and as a result, I was very mindful of my Christian religiosity.
You would think, because of it, that I would have a very linear and stereotypical relationship with faith, yet that was not the case. I would even go as far as to say, growing up so closely in the church was a hindrance to my personal understanding of the gospel.
As a pastor's kid, church soon became a chore or a Sunday activity. All things surrounding faith seemed more religious and ceremonial, rather than exciting and desirable. I began to view Christianity as a set of rules that was to blame for my childhood being void of enjoyment. I resented it for the shame and judgment I watched it sow into my heart. Church politics never sat well with me and church folk seemed more like hypocrites than people I wanted to be like.
I never felt good enough to keep up with all the expectations and demands and I was constantly scared that God was mad at me and judging me the way church people did.
However, God kept a close hand over me. I grew to dislike and resent the church and Christianity, but something deep inside of me told me that God was different than what I had seen in the people around me.
Around the age of eleven, my parents went through a very messy divorce. My dad's church split up and he ended up stepping down. In one year, I saw the Christian adults in my life, that I believed could do no wrong, painfully fall. My perception of them shattered and I was deeply disappointed and hurt by my church and my parents.
Through this dark season, however, God was introducing Himself to me; apart from the people and religion I had associated Him with.
He soon became more real to me than any religious mindset ever did. Through the toughest seasons of coping with my parent's divorce and all the loss and change in my life, God became closer to me than a brother. My first encounter with the Holy Spirit was the moment that changed everything for me. Ironically, it wasn't at church or with any adult that prayed for me, but in the comfort of my room, while listening to mezmur (Amharic worship), and as my heart was yearning for comfort.
I began to cry.
I felt the tangible presence and comfort of the Holy Spirit over me. At the moment, I didn't fully understand what had actually taken place, but it felt more like home than anything I had ever experienced.
That encounter marked the rest of my life
The following years from that time were full of storms and suffering, lots of family trauma, and the common struggles of adolescence.
It felt as though I was drowning in life, as too much was happening at once, and grief quickly became my norm. Yet, I kept coming back to that place of "home" I had found in the Holy Spirit and began building a hideaway there from everything that was going on in my life. Those moments of worship, writing, praying, and crying out to God built the foundations of a beautifully intimate and close relationship with Him. As a result, I began to notice I wasn't being molded by my circumstances, but instead I was being refined and filled by the Lord. I no longer felt the full weight of what was happening in my life.
Instead, I found a supernatural comfort in God and He quickly became the closest relationship I had; even closer than a parent.
It wasn't until college that I heard the true gospel and finally had the revelation of what it meant. Up until then, I hadn't reconciled my experience with church or religion. All I knew was that it didn't add up to what I had found in God for myself. Six years later, at twenty, I ended up joining my first church since my childhood. It was a church near my college campus, pastored by John Stickl, who had written a book called Follow the Cloud, which I purchased and read. The book painted the Gospel of Jesus Christ in the simplest way.
It didn't have the haziness of religion nor was it clouded by shame or judgment but had the warmest and inviting aroma of Jesus.
Stickl writes, “When we believe we are beloved sons and daughters, we are free to receive His grace, drawn to experience His presence, and then empowered to release His kingdom”[1].
It emphasized grace and relationship as being our only qualifying factors. It took all the pressure off of performance and striving, and instead on resting and receiving. The book made sense of everything about my experience with God. I finally found the truth of Christ and everything else I couldn't find in religion.
The Spiritual growth and clarity that has come out of that revelation was life changing. I began regularly attending church and digging deep into the God’s word. I built a life from my revelation of the Holy Spirit and the gospel, and it literally made me who I am today. The Holy Spirit raised me, taught me, healed me, lead me, and molded me. I struggled in the process, just as any other human does with life and the flesh, but that refuge became my shield and sword. Through it, I was strengthened and empowered to overcome depression, a victim mindset, trauma, and the brokenness of my humanity.
I saw myself change from a broken girl, from a broken family, into a hopeful, strong, wise, and whole woman. All through the power of God's Spirit living in me.
Even though the Lord and I go way back to my childhood, I still needed a drastic personal encounter that delineated my before and after.
I believe everyone has a point in their faith where they make the decision to radically go all in, and mine happened last year. The more I look back on my life and I see God's hand and covering over me, how much He has protected me, how intentional He has been with me, and how much He has truly saved me from; I see anything else as unworthy of my full devotion.
In processing just how huge of a work God did in me, I have fallen deeply and wildly in love with Him.
[2]
It's through that love that I am now living and growing. It's through that love that I am continuing to be lead and molded.
I found a very special intimacy with the Lord that surpasses all religion and striving, the freedom to be His friend, and do life with Him. And that's exactly what Christ came and died for; the chance for us to know the sweet friendship of God intimately and closely.
I pray you feel inspired to know Him just as intimately - He paid a high price for you too.
"For in Him we live and move and have our being" Acts 17:28
"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. For He will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease." Psalms 91:1-3
[1] John Stickl, Follow the Cloud, (Carol Stream, IL: Penguin Random House LLC, 2017)
[2] Prince of Peace, Music by Joel Houston, Matt Crocker & Dylan Thomas © 2015 Hillsong Music Publishing (APRA). Prince of Peace - of Dirt and Grace - Hillsong UNITED
Hannah Kassahun is a passionate writer, community wellness advocate, and Psychology graduate pursuing a career in Counseling. She uses her social media platforms @littlekassahun and Blog to put out vulnerable content that will inspire others to be free in their expression and introspection. You can find her writings on https://hannahkassahun.wordpress.com
So relatable and inspiring. Thank you for sharing.