“It is in vain, oh men, that you seek within yourselves the cure for all your miseries. All your insight has led to the knowledge that it is not in yourselves that you discover the true and the good.” [1]
Blaise Pascal wrote those words in Pascal's Pensées describing human nature and how fundamental it is to point out our dreadful state in order to face the desperate truth of our wretchedness and our need to always pursue the One who can deliver us.
As I look back on my life, along with the revelation of truth I have from the word of God, I understand Pascal’s inspection of life and confirm it to be true for myself. I lived my life overestimating my prominence and believing I was a reasonably good person. My testimony conveys the importance behind recognizing the seriousness of sin and being broken and contrite over it, leading to openness to the Spirit of God, for repentance and genuine spiritual growth.
My Brokenness
I grew up attending church regularly and I worked hard to navigate my path by conforming to my parents’ expectations, as well as my own.
I had aspirations and goals which I later discovered were vain and filled with unattainable illusions. I had school and family troubles and challenges that were common to any high school and college student. However, these challenges exposed my lack of self-awareness and identity as I matured. As a result, over time, my confidence became an inflated ego. My sense of humility turned false, bearing a self-defeating mindset and shyness that silently uttered low self-esteem. This brought insecurities that guided me to a terrible relationship at the age of nineteen. Within this toxic relationship, my uncertainties and anxieties developed into a victimhood mentality. Victimhood gave rise to cynicism.
There I was, a year later, laying in bitterness and with a nihilistic attitude towards life because I was heartbroken.
However, I could not realize this dreadful reality to be my life. I had plans and a family depending on my victory. I didn’t comprehend then, that even my desires for success and the expectations of my family were also my torturers. Yet, I kept going along with fears of failure and disappointment, all the while chasing this unrequited love as a remedy for my empty heart.
My efforts to be loved by the wrong person revealed how thin skinned and worthless I had become, as I relied on my appearance, possessions, and friends to bring about a sense of satisfaction and belonging.
Though my parents had taught me better, I was absurdly prone to mishandling my willpower, as I became determined to try everything and go everywhere.
Perhaps my greatest source of suffering at this point was my loneliness. I kept on going, anxiously and unsuccessfully seeking pleasure and happiness in an impenetrable darkness. At this point, I simply wanted to be okay, by whatever means I could employ, in order to rid myself of the pervasive emptiness I felt. I believed happiness was relative and that it was my responsibility to modify my own meaning and direction of life.
As a result, I became morally paralyzed and indifferent, which had a pernicious influence on my choices. My decisions, no matter how good they felt at the moment, brought on relentless pain as a consequence. One in particular became a haunting reality that further enslaved me to my own mind. Although at the moment I felt relief doing it, shortly thereafter, emotions of loss and sadness arose. I tried projecting myself into the future to justify my choice. Instead, it became the cornerstone for despair and self-condemnation. The revelation of my wrong doing inadvertently echoed through swift judgment of others and roared hypocrisy in my words and actions. I was ashamed, felt unforgivable, and simply hated myself.
My misery and pain elongated time.
My twenty-first year was the longest year of my life. Fall came around and I was still in the process of searching for meaning in order to alleviate and prevent my suffering. I recall that very season, to everyone else, I had simply lost a lot of weight, but I was suffering more internally. I was depressed, struggling in school, and my only consolation came from being in the presence of a man that was the cause of my misery and accomplice to my mistakes. I remember the hollowness of my heart, the voices in my head, the lifelessness in my soul, and the unyielding tears continuing to stream down my cheeks day and night. I undoubtedly knew, that season, I was unable to reach whatever is true and good by my own efforts. It is even safe to say, I didn't even know what was true and good.
Transgression is the consequence of a principle problem within a self-seeking and humanly driven identity.
Jesus Christ expressly spoke against it by declaring, “For I have come down from heaven to do the will of God who sent me, not to do my own will” (Jn 6:38). Inevitably, our transgression becomes the proven tragedy for all of our brokenness. A brokenness that is not only experienced pre-regeneration, but is present whenever we sin altogether - considering sin is a trespass against God’s law by choosing our own way.
But God
The words, “But God” are mentioned numerous times in Scripture and often suggest the message of God’s intervention in our lives.
When my past left me in an abyss of brokenness, unable to save myself, these two priceless words came to tell me the precious truth about God and what he did for me. This simple term, which I heard preached by Pastor Judah Smith from Church@Home in Seattle, is what saved me. See, the word “But” is commonly used as a conjunction to connect two clauses together and form a single sentence.
I didn’t think it was plausible for a Holy God to love and accept me when I myself didn’t love and accept myself. Smith’s sermon that day was that God loves us in spite of ourselves.
The conundrum that pushed me away from God was resolved when I looked outside of myself and understood the objective reality of God’s love for sinners that was demonstrated in Christ.
“But God” is a holy conjunction that links two contrasting realities together in order to capture the redemptive component of the message of the gospel that is able to reconcile men to God (Rom 5:10). Paul reminds us over and over again the power behind, “But God,” when he says in Romans 5:8, “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” He also echoes that same sentiment to the believers in Corinth when he reminds them, “But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong” (1 Cor 1:27).
Paul, to the church in Ephesus, continues to exhort the beauty in the context of those words after he states the unequivocal terms of our natural condition. He writes, “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ — it is by grace you have been saved” (Eph 2:4-5).
Now, in hindsight, I realize that God was there all along, ready to take ownership of my vacant heart, mind, and soul. God had purposefully allowed this journey in my life so that my “But God” moment would proclaim his excellence.
This is the message of salvation: God’s ability to reach us in our worthless, hopeless, rebellious and self-serving state and work a miracle to deliver us into a personal relationship with him, through the work of Jesus Christ. In order to attempt to wrap our head around the surpassing loving-kindness, mercy, and power of God, we need to be reminded of our brokenness so we can continue to reiterate over and over again the marvelous work of Jesus.
As we recognize our innate corruption, the enormity of our sin against a holy God, the schemes of the devil, and our vain attempt to cure all our miseries; we become crushed, yet, humbled and led to the only God that saves and sustains us.
The reason God will not despise a broken and contrite heart is because he uses it as a mark of gracious affection towards the effectiveness of the cross - which humbles and awakens us to always turn to him, our only hope, and hold fast to his mercy. For he always delights and is glorified as he creates a clean heart in us. While, coming to terms with our sin crushes us, it simultaneously permits us to experience his goodness and mercy, as we gratefully consider and accept his injunction of repentance (2 Cor 7:10). It serves to establish God’s Sovereignty over our lives and creates a heart of dependence, humility, joy, praise, and submissiveness (Rom 8:28).
Lastly, it helps us to not lose or diminish the love and zeal we have for Christ as we grasp that he is the only righteousness unto the Lord.
Therefore, a heart of brokenness and contrition is an appropriate response concerning our transgression which effectively helps us draw near to God’s saving and sustaining grace.
I believe that is what David meant when he said, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise” (Ps 51:16-17). Coming to terms with who I truly am in the sight of God is what led me to my first sacrifice of a broken spirit and a broken and contrite heart that led to my salvation. By sharing my insight on how I lived my life prior to Christ and how Christ saved me from myself, I hope you are strengthened and encouraged to face whatever troubles you are experiencing by surrendering and remaining in the saving and sustaining power of the gospel.
[1] Blaise Pascal, Pascal's Pensées, (New York: E.P. Dutton, 1958)
My name is Meskrem Teferi. I was born and raised in Ethiopia and moved to Seattle when I was 10. I currently live in Silver Spring, MD and work in Healthcare Tech. I love my work in healthcare and have a passion to learn and talk about theology and apologetics. If you have any questions or want to connect, contact me on IG @meskremteferi or email tefermeskrem@gmail.com
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